What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 00:07
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It was going to be , some day.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im still living with it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go of to this day?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why is only the left side of my vagina bleeding, on and off?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Isn’t freedom of speech and expression an absolute right?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
How does it feel to watch your wife get fucked hard?
He resisted the act ,that day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Can being annoyed be a sign of getting angry?
But it wasn’t much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was 9 years of age.
Why do some guys treat girls so badly?
Ive learnt so much.
This is soul school!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Who is the dumbest law enforcement officer you have ever encountered?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When she asked me how she looked .
I think the readers, may guess!
She found it foreign!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was seconnd youngest,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My life is so biszare .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was scared of men, in general
I was very sick at this time too.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I said to her
I did it because my mum asked me too!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Comes on , in middle age.
Put me off passion for life!!
She married twice! .
(And it was in our own minds.)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
What did i know ?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I couldn’t, believe it.
We all went to grammer schools
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
All the time i was locked up.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Would this be the day?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I waited trembling.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Who then, do I blame.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We were not on the streets..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I write beautiful poetry .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I have no regrets .
She was in good health!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She loved him until the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i lived it daily.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So whats the point in blame.
My family never makes their pension either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So, i spoilt her more .
He knew the spot.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.